


Still Loving You

by SushiWestern



Series: If You Have Ghosts [4]
Category: Ghost (Sweden Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Body Horror, Cowbell has an element, Ghouls have elemental powers, M/M, Prototype Ghouls, Renamed Ghouls, Summoning, hints of Earth/Special, implied sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2020-09-30 23:43:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SushiWestern/pseuds/SushiWestern
Summary: Special has to juggle the loss of his best friend and the growing tension between his partner and untamed bandmates.





	1. I'm Leaving, Alpha

**Author's Note:**

> The last installment of the If You Have Ghosts series! I recommend reading the other parts first before coming to this one.  
To differenciate the former Water and Earth Ghouls, I renamed them to Leaf (Small Earth) and Delta (Era 3 Water).
> 
> Thank you @ghostsxghoul for the ideas and @copias-gloves for beta-ing!!

A loud knock on the Fire Ghoul’s bedroom door brought him back from his daydream. Sitting up on the bed, his golden eyes were still focused on the white rose he wore on his cassock. A gift from Omega, his counterpart, the first and the last letter of the Greek alphabet. When he opened the door, he saw the Quintessence Ghoul standing there with concern in his eyes.

“I’m leaving, Alpha”.

Omega didn’t dare to look at his friend in the eyes, his grip tightening around the red rose he wore on his cassock. A gift from Alpha, his counterpart. The Fire Ghoul invited him in his bedroom: there must be a reason behind such an important decision, and he was willing to discover it. The rhythm guitarist took a seat on the bed, soon followed by his friend.

“Is there a reason to?” he asked, his tattooed hand resting on top of Omega’s.

* * *

_ The Water Ghoul’s arm pressed against the rhythm guitarist’s throat, pinning him to the wall. Delta’s eyes were irradiating pure wrath and anger towards his bandmate, his gritted teeth allowing a deep growl to come out. Omega gasped for air as he tried to pull the bassist away from him. _

_ “Delta, I swear I didn’t mean to…!” _

_ “What does it feel like to ruin a friend’s relationship?” _

_ Omega had been longing for the Third Emeritus for a while, but it all died down pretty quickly. It was impossible. He sought comfort in his friend Alpha, and the Fire Ghoul listened to every word he had to say about it, rubbing his bandmate’s back to make him feel better, soon switching to a gentle nuzzle, some intimate cuddling and, eventually, sex. Those encounters had been casual at first, just like the one on that night in the hotel, but Alpha soon grew too fond of them. Omega would come to his room on a daily basis to seek comfort and of course things escalated, of course he would catch feelings for him sooner or later. _

_ Alpha had been neglecting Delta. When they were together, the Fire Ghoul couldn’t stop thinking and talking about Omega, and the bassist found the task of distracting him even more difficult as time went by. Delta was the reason they broke up in the first place and he would be the reason they would break up again. He didn’t want that Quintessence fucker near  _ his _ Alpha.  _

_ “I didn’t think you two had something!” Omega replied, “Please, Delta! We’re just friends!” _

_ “Just friends don’t fuck each other daily” the Water Ghoul replied, pressing more against his bandmate’s throat, “You’re going to pay for this, Omega. I’m going to make your life a living hell until you’re forced to step out, unable to bear the pressure. Oh, and I know Papa won’t move a single finger to stop it. He doesn’t give a fuck, anyway”. _

* * *

Alpha was left speechless, guilt pooling down his stomach while he listened. He always thought that Delta was too shy to approach other Ghouls, and that’s why he stuck to him that much. The Fire Ghoul never imagined that it was just a plan to get rid of the rhythm guitarist, but he should have guessed. Delta never liked him much from the very beginning and Alpha was too blind to notice that he was dragging him away from his friend on purpose. Omega stood up, his fingers toying with the red rose as his sad, crimson gaze met Alpha’s.

“I’m sorry our things didn’t work out as planned” he muttered, removing the lower half of his mask, “I’m so sorry, Alpha”.

“It’s me who owes you an apology” the Fire Ghoul pulled him back to the bed with him, not willing to let him go just yet, “I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry for falling for Delta’s little tricks. I’m sorry for failing you as a friend”.

Omega closed the space between them and threw his arms around his friend’s shoulders. Alpha removed his lower half of the mask as well and leaned in to kiss him. It wasn’t a chaste kiss nor a passionate one, it was one that irradiated sadness and guilt. Their eyes filled up with tears as they realized that, after everything they went through, it would be their last moment together. Alpha broke the kiss, his fingers gently tugging at the taller Ghoul’s collar as he wished for one last shared moment, but Omega pushed his hand away.

“Don’t make this more difficult than it is. I really need to leave now. Papa is waiting for me”.

The Fire Ghoul looked up to him once more, his lip now quivering as he was trying his hardest not to cry. he wanted to beg for him not to leave, but he was the one to blame.

“I will miss you, Omega” he said, stuttering a bit, “please, don’t forget that, deep down, I still love you”.

“And I do too” the Quintessence Ghoul replied, “No matter if I’m in Hell and you’re on the surface, I will be waiting for you”.

Leaving the band wing, Omega climbed up the stairs leading to his best friend’s room. His ears perked up when he heard the familiar tunes. ABBA. The music was coming from the spokesghoul’s room, and the rhythm guitarist couldn’t help but put his best smile and barge in. The non-elemental was sitting on his bed with his vinyl player and singing and waving his arms to the rhythm of Dancing Queen. Fuck the Third who was waiting for him, he had to hang out with him.

“You can dance, you can jive…!” Omega sang along, pointing his index finger at the spokesghoul.

“Having the time of your life!!” Special grinned widely and spread his arms. 

Omega ran to him and picked him up, spinning around with him in the room while the song played. He needed that little piece of joy in his evening. The spokesghoul laughed in delight, clinging tightly to his friend’s neck as he was held until the next tune began. The Quintessence Ghoul put Special back on the floor and held his hands tightly. ABBA was one of their common passions, something that led to a lot of inside jokes between them, and it was the perfect goodbye. A goodbye. The thought made Omega tear up, something that Special noticed quickly.

“What’s wrong, ‘Mega? Getting emotional over ABBA?”

“It’s… no, it’s a complicated issue…” Omega laughed nervously, trying to choose his words to explain the whole situation as best as he could without breaking down, “Spesh, this is my last night here. I asked the Third to send me back to Hell.”

Special’s chest sank when he heard his friend’s intentions, the smile on his lips fading completely. 

“Are you serious…?” he asked, biting down on his lips, “But, why?”

“I don’t feel safe here anymore” the Quintessence Ghoul would omit the whole story with Delta, he didn’t want to worry him, “So, I was about to come and say goodbye to you when I heard ABBA. Maybe we can party and sing along for a while?”

It was painful to hear that Omega was leaving for good, but it felt nice hearing that he wanted to spend his last moments on the surface with the spokesghoul. The Quintessence Ghoul got up to his feet and pulled Special up with him, singing the first verses of Mamma Mia as he spun the spokesghoul around, then holding his hands and dancing with him to the rhythm. It was like their feet were synchronized, as if they complemented each other perfectly. They danced, sang, spun and laughed until the vinyl came to an end with the last track: Thank You For The Music. As the first notes played, Special’s eyes teared up and had to choke back a sob, burying his face against Omega’s chest while they slow danced.

“Don’t worry, Spesh. It’s alright, it’s the best thing I can do” he reassured the older Ghoul.

“No, it’s not, Omega!” the spokesghoul blurted out, “I’m sure we can solve this! I can speak to the Third, or even Imperator and Nihil, but I don’t want you to go! You’re the fan favourite…”

“This has nothing to do with Papa… It’s just that…” he had to tell him. He had to tell his best friend, “Delta destroyed my friendship with Alpha since the very beginning and, now that we made up, he got so jealous that he threatened me. I have to get out of here for my own safety, Spesh”.

Tears rolled down Special’s cheeks as he heard him speak and he couldn’t hold back anymore. He hugged the taller Ghoul tightly and cried his heart out. His best friend since their time with the First Emeritus would be gone forever in a matter of minutes. Omega rubbed his hand in circles on his friend’s back, trying to soothe him and reminding him of the good moments they spent together. When the record finished, they pulled away.

“It’s time for me to go. Don’t overwork yourself, alright?”

“I won’t. Don’t forget about me, Omega”.

Papa Nihil, Sister Imperator and the Third were waiting for him in the summoning room. Omega stripped off his clothes and approached the altar, his tail swishing nervously.  _ There is no other choice, I have to do that _ . He laid down and closed his eyes, his arms on each side of his body: he was ready. Imperator took a few steps towards him and began chanting the spell that would free the demon soul from its vessel. Omega shouted in pain as his demonic features —the tail, his claws, the omega symbol branded on his chest— disappeared and his grey skin returned to the pale, corpse-like tone of the original body. By the time Imperator finished the spell, the body lying on the altar wasn’t even a Ghoul: it was just a lifeless corpse with an iron mask welded to its face. 

“Is he gone?” the Third asked, his voice trembling a little.

“Forever” Imperator replied in a dry tone, “We can always recover him as long as we have this vessel, but I doubt he would want to come back. It was his choice, after all”.

“Just… preserve the vessel, Sister” the young Papa suggested, “I would like to get Omega back someday”.

“Forget about Omega,  _ Stronzino _ ” Nihil cut him off, his brows in a frown, “If a Ghoul willingly wanted to be sent back to Hell, it must be because something is wrong with them. I told you a thousand times before: tame your Ghouls!”

The Third Emeritus lowered his head like a child who just received a scolding. He didn’t want to tame his Ghouls like his older brothers had, and he’d told his father so a million times, but the old man wouldn’t listen.  _ Everyone in this church sees Ghouls as slaves; they need to have a bit of fun if we don’t want them to rebel or start an uprising _ . Once he was dismissed, the youngest Papa stood in the corridor with his head in his hands. Everytime his father reminded him that he was doing a poor job with his Ghouls, or picked out any tiny mistake from his performances such as multiple stage falls, he felt like he had no reason to be there anymore. His older brothers would always be Nihil’s preferred sons, and he knew that the old man was more fond of Special than his own children, after all. He decided to forget about the day and headed back to his room to sulk, or probably down a bottle of wine to drown his problems.

In a darkened corner of the corridor, Cowbell stood among the shadows. He had heard about the scene in the summoning room and shook his head.  _ I guess Ghouls can be sent back to Hell… I should be careful about choosing which bone to pick _ . The slender Ghoul turned around on his heels and vanished in the dimly lit corner. Omega was gone for good and Special would need someone to cheer him up.


	2. Mistakes From The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No art in this one 8'))))

The rec room was completely silent as the band Ghouls ate their breakfast, their mask jaw pieces sitting in front of their owners, nobody daring to speak a word about Omega’s departure. The following morning, the rhythm guitarist’s room was completely empty of his belongings and Delta thought it would be a great opportunity to move there and let Mist have her own space for once. Everybody seemed to start moving on except Alpha. He knew that the Water Ghoul was behind it all, and as much as he wanted to understand both sides, he simply couldn’t. His best friend, the love of his life was gone because of the other one he cared about the most, and their superior allowed it.

Emeritus the Third walked in, Special in tow, to announce the details of the upcoming tour but as he spoke, he couldn’t help but notice the looks on his ghouls’ faces: they were clearly unhappy and he knew it was related to Omega. He approached the table and took a seat on the rhythm guitarist’s empty seat and let out a deep sigh.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, but his words were met with more silence. Alpha was the first one to break it.

“What is left to talk about, Papa? He’s gone and you let him go,” the Fire Ghoul snarled, not daring to stare at him in the eye, “Why didn’t you ask him why was he leaving?”

“He didn’t want to talk about it and I gave him some space. My Ghouls’ feelings are important, you know?” 

Alpha couldn’t hold back and slammed his fists against the table, his orange eyes glowing with anger, and Special decided it was time to intervene. His hands rested on the lead guitarist’s shoulders, squeezing them slightly as an attempt to calm him down and avoid another huge fight. His mint green eyes met Cowbell’s, who was sitting at the other end of the table. The non-elemental had watched the whole discussion with his usual mischievous smirk, as if he found delight in watching the growing tension between his bandmates. 

The Third Emeritus made the decision to avoid the topic until he finished the announcement. He got back up to his feet and resumed speaking:

“Now that we have the venue list and the dates, let’s discuss the current lineup. Since Omega is no longer with us, Delta will be our rhythm guitarist. I know the place is reserved for Quintessence Ghouls, but this is an emergency.”

Special noticed a cocky smirk on the Water Ghoul’s lips and frowned. It almost looked like it was his plan from the very beginning: giving Omega the boot just to be in the spotlight.  _ Absolutely disgusting _ , the spokesghoul thought,  _ why didn’t Papa notice!? _

“Of course, Mist will be our bassist for the upcoming tour. I know you must be bored from staying in the church for so long, aren’t you?”

“No, they kept me busy,” Mist replied dryly, toying with her meal. She was visibly uncomfortable after the question, but nobody there dared to ask for further explanation about it.

“And last but not least… Cowbell will be coming too.”

All the ghouls’ gazes fell on the non-elemental, who kept grinning at them with interest. It was Leaf’s turn to show disapproval towards their bandleader’s decisions, but he decided against protesting for now: it brought him trouble in the past and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with it. The Third continued his speech, almost as eager to get it done as his Ghouls.

“He’ll be there to help Special out with the equipment and looking out for the techs,” he explained, bringing his hands together, “Well, this is it. I hope I didn’t cause too much of an inconvenience with those new changes. Stay put and I’ll give you some updates!”

The Papa abandoned the rec room, not bothering to notice the looks of disapproval on his Ghouls’ faces. Once he closed the door behind him, Alpha balled up a fist and slammed it against the table as he tried to contain his anger. Seeing Delta’s shit-eating grin while he munched on a donut only made him want to knock his teeth out badly, but decided against it: Special was there. Mist finished up her meal and got up from her seat to do her dishes, but was stopped by Air. It was his turn today.

“No, no, don’t sweat it, big guy,” she excused herself, “I’ll do it and I’ll head back to my room.”

“You’re avoiding us on purpose, Mist. Are you okay?” Air asked. It was the first time that the tallest Ghoul was being that chatty, but judging by his expression, he was just concerned. Ever since they were summoned, the Water Ghuleh has been distant and refused to speak about it, even with Delta, her former roommate.

“I’m not avoiding you, guys! Just let me be!!” She hissed at them, showing them her pointy teeth before putting her mask mouthpiece back on and head towards her room.

“I’ll go speak with her.” Alpha got up and followed after his bandmate. He didn’t want to remain in the room for too long, the tension was growing and he couldn’t stand being too long in front of Delta. 

Leaf also got up to his feet and pointed a knife at Cowbell, who was still focused on his meal. The last thing he wanted in the tour was that the one who stole the love of his life rubbing it in his face; he could barely stand sharing the same space in the rec room as him, why did he have to come on tour?

“Tours seem exciting, I’m sure we’ll have a great time spreading our message,” the slender Ghoul stated, grinning widely.

“Fuck no, you’re not coming with us!” The Earth Ghoul protested, “You’re basically useless!”

“I know as much as you do about drums. Someday you might disappear and I will be there to take over your position, runt.”

“I’ve had enough!” Special protested, getting up from his seat, “I can’t stand your cutting remarks! You’ve known each other for years, why is it so difficult to get along!? You’re a band, the faces of the Ghost project! Behave properly!”

The spokesghoul stomped his way out, slamming the door behind him and storming towards Nihil’s office.  _ Behave properly… do they even know what proper behavior is? _ He’s seen them grow up together and they have never been nice to each other: Delta, Alpha and Omega had their little turf, Leaf and Cowbell hated each other, Mist had her own issues and Air was caught in the middle of it. Special wanted to shake away those thoughts, and he knew he could talk to Nihil about it. 

The oldest former Papa had his head between his hands when his Ghoul walked in. Special had never seen him like that, but they knew they were both ready for a deep conversation. He noticed a lot of letters on the desk, most of them from angry fans that didn’t approve of Omega’s departure: the spokesghoul should have said something. He should have told the heads of the Ministry about the drama that was going on between the Third’s Ghouls and he suddenly felt like a failure, his mint green eyes misting up with tears. Nihil got up from his seat and approached his Ghoul, placing a wrinkled, caring hand on his shoulder.

“Is it about my son’s Ghouls?” he asked in a soft voice, “If it’s related to this, then I understand it. It’s not your fault, Special.”

“Yes it is, Papa!” the spokesghoul choked back a sob, “I knew what was happening since the very beginning and I should have said something but… I didn’t. I’m an absolute failure!”

“You’re not a failure, cub, because that’s not your job,” Nihil squeezed his Ghoul’s shoulders to get him up to his feet and wrap his arms around him, “Your job is here at the offices, with administrative tasks, tour planning and handling interviews. My son is the one who should have noticed that from the very beginning, it’s all his fault.”

Special relaxed his shoulders and clung to the papal vestments, hiding his face in them as he sobbed uncontrollably, letting all the stress, the pressure and the frustration out. He wasn’t prone to show vulnerability: he was a respected Ghoul in the church, somebody to look up to… nobody had to see him like that. Except the oldest Papa and, perhaps, Cowbell.

“Maybe it’s kind of my fault too.”

“Why, though?” the spokesghoul lifted his gaze to stare at him.

“I think I’ve never told you about my time as the leader of the Ghost project, did I?”

\-------

_ It all happened during the late 1960s, when the Ghost project was still a work in progress and so was Sister Imperator’s research about Ghouls. The church had small pamphlets hanging around announcing that Siblings of Sin were needed for the project: four talented Brothers of Sin showed up for the auditions, but something seemed off. Imperator lead them down to a part of the church they’ve never seen before, beyond the catacombs, and locked the large, wooden door behind them. It was a dimly lit room with stone walls and arched ceilings with a circular altar in the middle, and the air was filled with an aura of eeriness and discomfort. A young Nihil stood before them, a smirk on his lips and a bleeding palm reaching out to the quartet. _

_ “Congratulations, you were chosen to lead the Ghost project along with me,” he announced, gesturing at his partner to bring the soon-to-be Ghouls closer to the middle of the room. _

_ Imperator pulled out a sacrificial dagger and she and Nihil managed to corner them on the altar. The blade wasn’t for killing them, it was just a mere tool of intimidation so they wouldn’t move a muscle while the woman chanted the summoning spell. The four Brothers felt a scorching heat inside their chests, almost feeling like their skin will melt away as the demon soul struggled to take over the body. The first trial summoning was an absolute failure: the living humans rejected the souls, leaving the vessel scarred, deformed and bleeding out. When the quartet looked up, Nihil could see the horror in their eyes floating in the sockets, the noses that had fallen off, the bleeding mouth showing some large, sharp teeth as well as the normal human ones. It was a grotesque sight that the young Papa would never forget. _

_ “How are supposed to charm the crowds with those freaks!?” _

_ “Calm down” she replied as she placed a hand on his shoulder, “they will be masked. Look at those eyes, we managed to make prototype Ghouls.” _

_ “Are you absolutely sure that those are Ghouls, Sister?” his smirk faded away. The longer he stared at those tormented, deformed Brothers of Sin, the more sorry he felt about them. _

\-------

“What happened to them?” Special asked, slumping back down on the seat.

“They started an uprising against me. They accused me of ruining their lives forever and then they… well, they ended with their own lives after Imperator left me the first time. I will never forget those faces…” Papa Nihil explained, “I should have listened to them, taught them how to accept themselves as they were… I don’t know, there’s a lot of things I could have done better and seeing my youngest spoil his Ghouls like that… I’m afraid the mistakes from the past will repeat themselves.”

The spokesghoul remained silent for a few seconds that seemed like an eternity. After that chat, he felt a lot better and considered that he should leave those issues to the Third himself. It’s none of your business, Special, focus on what’s important. He walked out of the offices and headed towards his own room to find some peace and quiet, and perhaps get some rest too. Those last few days before the tour were putting a strain on his health, so many new interviews, so many waiting times at the phone… and isolation.

When Special unlocked the door to his chambers, he felt a cold chill down his spine. His eyes scanned his surroundings until they met Cowbell’s purple gaze, who was standing right behind him. Before the older Ghoul could say anything, his slender partner pulled him into a soft, reassuring embrace, a clawed hand rubbing Special’s back affectionately: it was everything he needed to forget about Omega’s departure, about the band Ghouls’ misbehavior and about the story Papa Nihil just told him. When they pulled away, the spokesghoul noticed that Cowbell’s other hand was swollen and frowned while holding it carefully.

“What happened?”

“Nothing to worry about, kitten,” Cowbell retreated his hand and hid it behind his back, as if it wasn’t important, “can I come in?”

Special nodded: of course he was coming in, there’s no way he would let his partner leave with an injury. Cowbell took a seat on the bed and watched the older Ghoul head to the bathroom to pick up his first aid kit. He sat down next to him and pulled out a few bandages from the kit, testing the hand first to see if it was broken, but Cowbell groaned and retreated the hand again, hissing a bit.

“I told you it’s nothing to worry about!”

“Was it Leaf?”

A specific question was enough to get the slender Ghoul to talk. The drummer wasn’t very excited to have him around for the next tour and he wanted to make sure he won’t get his chance to be a suitable replacement. Special let out a sigh and, after making sure that his wrist was just sprained, he began bandaging it.

“So, soon after you left, he grabbed my wrist and I saw a supernatural glow in his eyes,” Cowbell kept explaining, “he used all of his strength to twist it and I had to fuck off through one of my tunnels to get here.”

“Do you still use those tunnels?” Special asked with his head tilted.

“Occasionally. I found out something interesting the first time you went touring,” the slender Ghoul explained, watching the procedure with interest, “But I don’t think you’re ready to know yet… it’s pretty heavy stuff.”

“Bell, I showed you my wings which were my deepest secret, I think I deserve to know.”

Cowbell sighed and got back up to his feet, heading towards the balcony. Without opening it, the slender Ghoul walked through the glass door and disappeared completely, much to Special’s awe. A few seconds later, Cowbell walked through the door, which was still closed as well.

“What the…?”

“Portals!” Cowbell clapped his hands and tilted his head, “this must be my power, I can teleport!”

“But… that would make you a Quintessence Ghoul and you don’t have the eyes or the tail…” Special got up to his feet and approached his partner, “Hey, let’s forget about the band and do something illegal we should have done a long ago: break into the forbidden area in the library and study Ghouls!”

“Didn’t you want to rest, Spesh?”

“Screw resting! You like the library, I like meddling in Imperator’s research for Ghouls. Maybe I can find out what element you are, or even me. I don’t believe these ‘non-elemental’ theories, I have wings and you have teleportation abilities.”

The slender Ghoul frowned, but followed his partner through the halls. For a moment, he felt bad about showing him his powers, but seeing his excitement, his passion about the research, the bit of rebellious spirit… it was almost contagious. At this time of the day, the library was completely empty and Special made a beeline towards the gated area: it was a matter of time that Imperator brought her notes and books back to where they belonged, away from the spokesghoul’s grasp. 

“Awh… the last time Omega helped me get in there with his portals” Special commented, dropping his shoulders in defeat, “Bell, can you walk in and…?”

The question was cut short: Cowbell had pinned Special’s wrists against the gate, removed their mouthpieces and dropped them on the floor with a loud clatter. The slender Ghoul buried his nose against the crook of his partner’s neck, taking in his scent, allowing it to intoxicate him and fill him with lust. He didn’t care about people coming in, he only wanted to take Special in order to make him forget about the research.  _ We already fucked in a public space, who cares if we do it a second time? _ , he thought while pressing his body against the older Ghoul’s.

“Bell…” the spokesghoul freed his wrists and pushed him away, ashamed, “We can’t do that here. I don’t want another higher-up walking on us.”

“Then it’s your pick, Phil” Cowbell replied, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited, “find ways to get inside the forbidden area and probably get caught or forget about the research, go back to your room and have some quality and well-deserved time time alone.”

Special went for the second option without thinking twice. They picked up their mouthpieces and rushed back to the spokesghoul’s room. After long minutes of kissing, grinding their hips together and preparation, Cowbell hoisted his partner up and pinned him against the wall, clashing their lips together as he prayed silently to the Dark Lord that the spokesghoul forgot about the research already. The slender Ghoul regretted showing his partner his elemental powers: he knew that Special would be so eager to investigate further, or ask him a million questions that he didn’t want to answer.

_ I just hope I can distract him from it until the upcoming tour is over _ , Cowbell thought.


	3. Deepest fears and confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prelude of the biggest mistake.

Sun rays filtered through the window of Special’s room, filling the cold stone chambers with a cozy warmth. The spokesghoul had woken up in his beloved’s arms confused and lost, but as his eyes adjusted to daylight, the memories from the day before were recovered. Cowbell had tired him out to distract him from digging deeper into Imperator’s research for some reason, something that made Special feel a bit uneasy. It was like his lover didn’t trust him enough to tell him the whole truth about who he was, but maybe it was something less serious. Maybe not even Cowbell knew who he was. 

Special got up and picked up the ropes to bind his wings and hide them from everyone. As he was tying the last knots and picked up his cassock, his mind was running wildly. Everyone had their secrets in that church, he had seen it since the band Ghouls were small. Sure, they managed to let out little bits and pieces of it, like Omega’s reason behind his departure, or why Leaf was acting so strange around the spokesghoul. When Special remembered the late Quintessence Ghoul, he recalled their conversation in the great hall. It was the time he confessed that there were feelings between him and Cowbell, just a friendly chat between two close friends. But that friend wasn’t there anymore. Once he finished dressing up, Special sat back down on the bed to place a gentle kiss on his beloved’s forehead, put the mask mouthpiece back on and walked out of the room.

After spending a few hours wrapping up the tour plan in his office, the spokesghoul got up from his seat to stretch his limbs out, his mind wandering back to Omega again. It seemed that he didn’t have that kind of friend anymore, someone who people trust their deepest fears and confessions, but he could become that friend.  _ At least it’ll solve the miscommunication problem between the Third and his Ghouls…  _ He walked around his office for a while until he decided it was time to wrap up and take a stroll through the church to take his mind off any kind of worry or bother.

The great hall was packed, both with Siblings of Sin and church Ghouls enjoying their meals for a few minutes before going back to their work. Carrying a tray full of junk food, Delta approached Alpha and Leaf, who were sitting together in one of the long tables, away from everybody else.

“Why the long faces?” the Water Ghoul asked, setting his tray down and taking a seat in front of his bandmates.

“I’m still not over the fact that you fucking forced Omega to leave” Alpha glared at the former bassist, his orange eyes glowing with anger. Leaf placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him down: if they were caught fighting in the hall, they would get kicked out.

“Chill, man, it’s not all my fault. After all, Papa let him leave” Delta corrected him, a smirk on his lips as he removed his mouthpiece to dig into his food, “if you have to get angry at someone, let it be him”.

“Papa seems to exist only to fuck us up” Leaf egged him on, tilting his head, “you heard him: Cowbell is coming with us in the next tour. First he gets rid of Omega, now forces us to deal with the weirdo”.

The three band ghouls remained in silence as they attacked their food while the Siblings of Sin soon returned to their jobs, leaving the great hall almost empty. There was a growing tension between the three of them, each Ghoul dealing with his own internal problems that had a same origin, at least for them: the Third Emeritus. Alpha shook his head and got up from his seat, picking up the tray.

“I’d say let’s wait until the tour is over. We don’t need growing tensions that might affect our performance” the Fire Ghoul stated, his orange eyes on his bandmates as he got up and left the tray on the cart with his unfinished meal.

“As you say, dude, but I make no promises” Leaf replied. The Earth Ghoul remained on his seat as he watched Delta get up too once he was done eating and follow Alpha outside. 

The silence in the great hall allowed him some time to think and face his dilemma: he couldn’t touch or hurt Cowbell because, as much as he hated him, that would make Special furious and they were in rather good terms despite the lingering feelings for the spokesghoul. On the other hand, if he tried to seduce Special back, the slender Ghoul would come after him.  _ This guy is extremely dangerous for some reason, I should be careful about what to say or what to do… _

Special only had thirty minutes to eat before heading to the storage and gather the techs to start preparing the tour bus. As he walked into the great hall, his gaze met with Leaf’s for a few brief moments before the Earth Ghoul scooted to one side to make a spot for him. Once Special’s tray was full of pasta, he accepted the seat and removed his mouthpiece, feeling Leaf’s eyes on him, watching him eat like if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“So, you ready for the tour?” the drummer asked with a smirk as he rested an elbow on the table, “This time you won’t get that homesick, now that Cowbell is coming with us.”

“Go straight to the point, Leaf. I almost have no time” Special replied between bites. He felt that the shorter Ghoul was about to make some kind of awful remark towards his bandmate.

“Oh, no, no… I was just thinking about our last time in tour, when we shared a bedroom” Leaf leaned a bit closer to him, “It was a great bonding experience, wasn’t it?”

Special stared at him dumbfounded.  _ A great bonding experience? For fuck’s sake, you almost used my emotional instability for your benefit _ , he thought, wondering if he would have the guts to do it again. Hopefully, Cowbell will be his room partner this time and Air would deal with the drummer. Leaf scooted closer to Special and whispered into his ear:

“Well, if you get tired of that creep, you know where to find me.”

Those words sent a chill down to the spokesghoul’s spine, despite feeling the Earth Ghoul’s hot breath against his ear. The drummer got up to his feet and walked out of the great hall, leaving Special uncomfortable and unable to finish his meal. His mint green eyes watched him leave before dropping back to the half eaten pasta tray.  _ I need to stop eating carbs, anyway… _

Special returned to his room to pack up for the trip, the conversation he had with Leaf still lingering in his mind.  _ No, I must stop and focus on my work. Cowbell might be right that I’m overworking myself but every time I decide to take some time off, I have trouble _ . Before heading outside and help the techs load the bus, the spokesghoul decided to check the rec room to make sure it was empty. When he opened the door, he was startled by Mist, who seemed to be standing right behind it with lost eyes. She seemed troubled the last time they saw each other and the spokesghoul wondered what happened to her to the point she did not even want to talk about it. The Water Ghuleh shook her head and stepped away, her hands clasping around the strap of her bag tightly as her sky blue gaze dropped to the floor.

“Mist! How come aren’t you with the rest?” Special asked, his tone warm and gentle. She could speak with him, he was reliable enough.

“I don’t want to tour anymore” she replied with a sharp answer, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

The spokesghoul knew that everyone liked their privacy, but Mist had always acted a bit off: always shutting herself in her room, avoiding speaking to anyone, even Delta… He lead her inside and took the bag from her, placing it on the floor and leading her to sit on the couch. Mist avoided looking at him, as if she was mad at him for some unspoken reason.

“Tell me, what happened?”

“You’re one of them, I can’t” that was all she said. Her eyes spotted Special with his head tilted in confusion and she knew she needed to be more specific, “the Ministry, I mean. You’re one of them.”

“Mist, listen, I’m no human. I only do their administrative work, trust me” the spokesghoul placed a hand on the bassist’s shoulder to reassure, to tell her that everything would be alright no matter what.

The Water Ghuleh let out a deep sigh and fiddled with her thumbs, “Being the only Ghuleh in the church has put a lot of pressure on me. Imperator took care of me most of the times but I knew she wanted to turn me into her test subject. Since I became an adult, she’s been subtly telling me to  _ move on _ . I don’t know what she really meant, but I supposed she wanted me to breed.”

Special brought his hands against his face. Was that the reason why she had to stay with Delta? Because Imperator wanted to see if Ghouls were capable of having offspring on the surface? It was messed up, everything was messed up. Imperator and Special weren’t always on the best terms, mainly because he despised her attitude, but to think that the woman dared to carry on her research by observing Mist… it was sick. 

“Did you tell Papa?” Special asked. Maybe if the Third knew about it, he could convince him to tell Imperator to drop the research.

“Yes, and he said he didn’t dare to question the old hag” Mist replied, but she was visibly relieved to get that off her chest. Seeing that Special wasn’t pressuring her to reveal the details of her issue, seeing that he was only a mere listener who worried about a bandmate, got her to trust the Ghoul, “we should get going, though. Thank you for that, by the way, and I’m sorry I misjudged you.”

“It’s alright” Special got up to his feet and handed her the bag, “everyone keeps secrets nowadays.”

Once everybody gathered up around the bus and finished loading all the necessary equipment, they finally left the church grounds. Special was once more behind the wheel and nodded idly at the Third Emeritus, pretending that he was listening to the rambling. Not a single time, though, he mentioned being aware of the whole mess his Ghouls were into, or he was aware of what was going on between them. Was it because they were hanging around the place and they could eavesdrop on the conversation? Well, they should be eavesdropping in case he mentioned that he was aware of the gravity of the issue. Better ask him, just in case.

“Papa, I apologize for cutting your speech but there’s something that’s been bothering me for a while,” Special started, not peeling his eyes off the road, “Are you really aware about what is going on with your Ghouls?”

“Yes, you told me and I think that it’s none of your business. I can handle that myself” the Third waved a dismissive hand at the spokesghoul.

“Oh really? Because you let Omega leave after many times of opening his heart out to you.”

“I told him it was his issue to solve and if it got out of hand, it’s not my problem. I told everyone that I don’t want my Ghouls to be puppets or servants, I want them to feel free.”

“I think it should be your problem if an issue with one of your Ghouls gets out of hand, Papa.”

The Third Emeritus sighed and pushed up his sunglasses as his way to end the conversation. Deep down, though, Special missed when his older brothers were in charge. Sure, the First Emeritus was a sweetheart who cared about his Ghouls, even if full Ghouls were still a mystery to him; and the Second was strict when it came to following the rules, but at least took the problems of his Ghouls personally. It was obvious that the youngest brother still had a lot to learn, but time was running out: both Imperator and Nihil told him countless times to tame his Ghouls, and Special could sense that their patience would run out. He watched the frontman get up from his seat and head to the bedroom area to rest for a while until they got to the first city.

Being the bus driver was a tough task, but it allowed Special to eavesdrop on his bandmates’ conversations. It was like they forgot he was there, all chatting while they played a round of UNO. The spokesghoul guessed that Cowbell was nowhere near them, because he could not hear him and Leaf bickering. It was hard to make out what they were saying, though, it was all a mixture of conversations plus comments about the game.

“I see you still enjoy watching” said an eerie voice next to him.

Cowbell was sitting next to him, his purple eyes slightly lidded due to the smirk behind his mask and his limbs all tangled up. It seemed, though, that he was comfortable enough. It was always difficult to get used to his spontaneous appearances. Special kept his eyes on the road, trying his best to get his breathing back to normal.

“You should stop doing that.”

“And you should know this isn’t happening, kitten” the slender Ghoul replied, removing his mouthpiece to leave a few kisses on the side of his beloved’s head before whispering into his ear, “You know, I’m getting better at listening into conversations. Are you interested?”

There was something in Cowbell’s voice that sent chills down to Special’s spine, something that sounded so enticing and yet so dangerous. He could only nod.

“Good boy” the slender Ghoul purred, his claws stroking the spokesghoul’s cheek, “I get the feeling that something awful is going on, and Omega leaving was just the prelude of the tragedy. Have you noticed that most of them, if not all, are blaming the same person of their problems?”

“They blame Papa… but back when we were kits, they said that if Papa was allowed to be awful, they could be too. I thought they were joking but this is getting out of hand.”

Cowbell nodded, “I get the feeling that, if this goes on, they will rebel against him for, supposedly, ruining their lives. Do what you want with this information, you can tell Papa or not. I don’t mind a little chaos, you know? I’m not even part of that crap, these monsters have more chances to go back to Hell rather than I have.”

Remembering their previous conversation, Special concluded that if he told the Third about that, he would not care. His mint green eyes met his mate’s for a second before going back to the road. He surely needed a moment. The spokesghoul stopped at a gas station so they could all get a break —and a refill—, and he could have time to think about everything that happened. For how long had this ‘uprising’ idea been going? Was everybody involved, even Air? The tallest ghoul was just waiting patiently on a bench for the rest to come back, while Alpha, Delta, Mist and Leaf were nowhere to be seen. And the Third? Would he finally put a stop on the Ghouls’ misbehavior?

All that worrying was exhausting and Special felt the need to disappear from there. Just leave far away from the church, the band Ghouls and the Third. Cowbell walked out of the bathroom and wrapped his arms around his beloved from behind, purring as he nuzzled their heads together, but pulled away as soon as he noticed that the spokesghoul was too deep in his thoughts to notice. Finally, the older Ghoul turned around, his eyes wide open.

“What’s going on, kitten? Too much information to process?”

“Can’t you be a normal fucking Ghoul for a second here, Bell!?” Special almost yelled, pushing him away, “If I don’t do anything, those idiots will hurt Papa! Aren’t you worried!?”

Cowbell exhaled and put his hands in his pockets, “Why should I worry about a problem that isn’t mine? And it’s not yours either, so leave them be. For the love of Satan, Spesh, it looks like you love stressing yourself out!”

As much as he hated to admit it, the slender Ghoul was right. Special bit down his lip and dropped his gaze to the floor, not sure if he wanted to stay there anymore. If only he could vanish for just five minutes to calm down, and then come back and resume the tour as it was planned… Cowbell approached his mate and held him close to his chest again, his long fingers stroking the spokesghoul’s back.

“I wanted to be their friend, Bell… I wanted them to trust me, I just wanted to have a friend like Omega and I can’t. I can’t oversee that.”

“They trust you, but you have to give them a reason to do so. If Papa knows, they would probably call you a traitor…” Cowbell could feel Special tensing up and released him from the hug. If only he could do anything for him… absolutely anything. “Spesh, let’s get you out of here. You need it.”

“But where do you want me to go!? We’re stuck here in the middle of—”

Special couldn’t finish his sentence. Cowbell was holding him tightly again, his eyes now fully black, as darkness surrounded them. It felt like they crawled into the core of a black hole, and both Ghouls could feel their body stretching and compressing back together until they got engulfed by a blinding light. Once Special could see again, they were standing right next to a beach, far away from the road, even further away from the church. The spokesghoul looked around for signs of human life, but there was none: they were completely alone.

“Bell, where are…? How did you…?”

“Remember when I showed you my element in your room? Well… this is the place where I come to think, or to run away from my bandmates” Cowbell replied, taking a seat on the sand. The trip had made him weaker, and his legs were beginning to fail. “There’s a lot of ears in the church, so this is the safest place where we can talk.”

The spokesghoul was surprisingly speechless for once. He sat down next to the slender Ghoul, scooting closer to wrap his arms around him as he slowly processed what happened. There was no use: as much as he wanted to think about it, he couldn’t find an explanation. Cowbell was able to make portals, but Special just assumed they were like Omega’s.

“We came here through the Void” he finally confessed, his purple gaze staring at the ocean before them, “it’s quite dangerous, if I say so myself. It poses no threat if I come here myself, but our trip together left me exhausted.”

“Then, why did you bring me here if it tires you out so much? You shouldn’t overdo yourself for me, Bell.”

“Because this is my secret place, my deepest confession finally out in the open and before your eyes. You wanted a real friend that trusts you as much as you trust them? You have me, kitten. I think it’s fair after you showed me your wings.”

The spokesghoul could not get a hold of his emotions: it meant the whole world to him that he got Cowbell to reveal something like that. Resting his head on his beloved’s shoulder, Special could finally relax for about five minutes before they decided to head back. In that span of time, it felt like the band Ghouls and the Third did not exist: it was just the two of them, completely alone in a special place that only they knew. It was perhaps the first time that Special had seen Cowbell be so real with him, so honest and open about his existence. 

“You don’t think I’m a freak, do you?”

Special shook his head, “No matter what, I still love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> All of the art featured here is made by me exclusively for this fanfic. Reposting is completely forbidden.


End file.
